Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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