I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just high enough for therapy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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