the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
