Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
