sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
