Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
