I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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