you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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