If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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