So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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