im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this boner is exhausting
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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