You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
