mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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