I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
