I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
