I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
