So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
