if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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