I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
