Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
