My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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