Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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