shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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