I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
