I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Randomize
