I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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