I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
