hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
