Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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