Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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