Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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