Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
