We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
