Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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