Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Randomize
