My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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