rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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