Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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