I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
