I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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