I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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