alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
