I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
