'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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