The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
