I wish I only lived at night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
