he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
