I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You made out with two different species that night
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
