is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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