Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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