i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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