Is it normal to miss your booty call?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
