I got chris browned last night
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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