NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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