Your face is a jimmy john
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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