Where is the hickey?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
