He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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