Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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