So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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