Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
