Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
