who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
