You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize