Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
one two three fourrrrnication!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
