Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
