I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
