you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
