Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
