Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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